I accidentally had phone sex last night
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
