I wish my penis had an off switch
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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