I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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