and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
