now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
