Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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