Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
