Jerry, you need to find god
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
