I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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