That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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