i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
