I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
