i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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