The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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