I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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