Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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