I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
