I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
