Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
