I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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