my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
