Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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