I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
