Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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