so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
