So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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