if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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