I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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