My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
