Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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