mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
