is your mom at the bar?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
OPIZZABONMYDICK
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
