Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
