that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
