My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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