That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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