Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
