we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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