remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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