Fuck appropriateness.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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