The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
