just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
