My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
