watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
