i think my tv is drunk
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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