So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
