I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
