nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
