but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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