My nipple is on Facebook.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
