Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
